LISTEN . . please? {♥} chainedwonderland v3.0

Friday, June 12, 2009 things that irritate me

1. the effing hot and HUMID weather. man, I miss Japan.
2. the telephone ringing. I wanna just SLAM the phone down and disconnect it for, like, ever.
3. how my dad just goes into my room without knocking. it happened while I was recording.
4. my big thighs that will never go back to being small unless I'm willing to get Amenorrhea again.
5. how I can't read notes or write notes well. do I really SUCK that much?!
6. my dad. again. for not even being able to teach me how to read notes.
7. my crappy Japanese. gahd, I can't even understand what they're talking about on the news.
8. my hair. it just won't go straight.
9. my thighs.
10. my thighs.
11. Multiply's crappy new look that won't even let me POST.
12. my stupid whiny-toddler attitude whenever things don't go right.
13. my pathetic ranting on my blog about things that irritate me.
14. surrounding myself with people who aren't very good at certain things, make me feel like I'm great, and how I actually BELIEVE them,
15. my short-term-happiness goals.
16. my impulse buying.
17. my inability to calm myself down.
18. being too thankful for what I already have - and thinking there's no more room for improvement.
19. not being thankful for what I already have
20. how I haven't been able to compose or draw anything in a long while.
21. people who say sorry even if it isn't their fault.
22. people who are judgemental.
23. how people stare and laugh at me whenever I go to the mall with my happy happy Japanese wannabe outfit.
24. Wapanese people - otaku who think they're so great at Japanese and boast about it at those stupid anime conventions.
25. my overly-nice attitude.
26. me. myself. and I.
27. how my face isn't quite as thin as it was when I was sick.
28. people who tell me to avoid eating rice whenever I bravely tell them my weight loss-gain adventure.
29. people who think because I gained weight, I'm fat. people, I was SICK when I looked androgynous. and I didn't even gain that much weight.
30. people who compare me to my dad - no, I don't understand his music. I respect it, but there's no way I'm composing something like that.
31. THIS WHOLE DAMN POST.

F***. F***. F*********.

Yuki

Friday, March 20, 2009 weight update

still stuck at 45 Kg.

for some reason, the 1 1/2 cups-of-rice and double portions of food thingy didn't work.

so the nutritionist is now making me eat 2 cups of rice per meal.

there's this little part of me that has doubts about her (I mean, she thinks deep-fried food is OK and whenever I say stuff like, "I ate a grilled chicken breast" she would suggest a different - not only fatty but UNHEALTHY and cholesterol-filled part and make it FRIED - which I don't find appetizing at all). I was thinking I would still eat healthy but eat more portions. I mean, I dunno if it's psychological or what, but somehow, most unhealthy food doesn't appeal to me (except for cheese-blasted italian food or sweets, like cake and cookies and other stuff). I especially don't like Filipino food (except for the kakanin and taho!). I may not be normal but I'm happy to be special.

And my mom doesn't help, either. She interrupted the doctor to ask why we need to count calories when she was raised normally and yet she's still alive today. Ughhhhhhh. I wanted to bury my face in shame. I can't wait for April 3 - they day I'm going to Tokyo, where I'll be living with my DAD.

Help? Please?

Yuki

pakshet

Papa just left for Tokyo a few hours ago.
I'm currently with my uncle now, but my MOM is coming on Sunday.

Shit.

She's becoming more bitchy than usual these days.

Maybe it's 'coz she FINALLY realized we have no intention of letting her back into our family - even though she's still welcomed in the house?

I dunno.

read this post for more details.

Yuki

Sunday, March 15, 2009 evolution through pictures

yeah, I need a break from all the stress from the culmi, so . . I'll be tackling former Morning Musume member Hitomi Yoshizawa's "evolution" through the years through pictures!

at first - it was naturally pretty Yossie. She was only 14 at the time so they chose the no-makeup look.

yeah. she's gone through some transformations, and this is probably the most extreme - I think mostly because they tried the "double eyelid" trick on her - which made her look cute - but I don't think it suited her boyish image.

there are the in-between ones..

then the makeup artists finally woke up from their happy happy dreams and, with some mascara and eyeliner, made her look more Japanese again. Behold, the current Yossie:

Yuki

Saturday, March 14, 2009 scared. very scared.

I watched "Extreme" last night on the Lifestyle Network.

FYI, it's about celebrities who go through the extremes and lose/gain a LOT of weight - and it's a cycle to them - also known as the yoyo diet.

And when they described how the celebrities try to lose weight by severely restricting food, I couldn't help but remember my days in Malaysia.

Okay, okay, I'm trying to gain, and I've learned a lot, but there's still this tiny voice in my head saying:

"Never mind your health. People will love you as long as you're thin!"

I've been trying to be optimistic about my health.

But whenever I see a new speck of fat - even the tiniest, I just feel really SAD.

I'm like, why do I have to be fat to be healthy?!

How come other people are so naturally thin and yet they're still healthy?!

I was born chubby, does that mean I have to stay chubby to live?!

-sigh-

Needless to say, I feel like crap today.

Yuki

Thursday, March 12, 2009 teachers can be stupid, too

Okay, really. This is the last straw.

Let us call this mystery teacher Evil Teddy Bear.

Anyway, we were having a normal English class - only half the class is listening, I'm participating in the recitation and being veeeery expressive, and Ma'am Chynah has her usual poker face on. Nothing too different - except we were talking about women's rights.

The question was something like this: if the woman flirts with the man then gets raped, is it the woman's fault?

Of course, the answer is no, but since some of the boys were, um, not so familiar with what the official definition of rape really is, they answered: yes.

Uh-huh. Then the groupwork came, yada yada, and then we were asked to sit back down. This was where Evil Teddy Bear came in and told us about how our section was really stupid when it came to values, blah blah, then she told us to think with our common sense. All of us.

To ETD: YOU think.

Those were the boys' reactions, and I'm pretty sure that's only because they don't know what rape really means. And not even all of the boys answered yes - only like, 2 or 3, and Dan was one of them, and he's a loser. Anyway, why was she blaming the whole damn section?!

I wanted to strangle her. Why was she generalizing us?! I never liked ETD, but it was never really like I couldn't stand her, unlike now. I swear. And Ma'am Chynah even told us that we're a section, so one person's opinion is the opinion of all. I was like, WTF?! Is that how it goes?! I definitely didn't agree with what Dan said.

You know what? I hate the conservative Filipino way of thinking teachers are always right. Because sometimes the student can have more brain cells - or just plain common sense.

To miss ETD, you suck. Big time.

[note: I'm NOT mad at Ma'am Chynah. I think she has a point. But I have yet to forgive ETD.]

Yuki

Wednesday, March 11, 2009 stress

First of all, I was instructed by a doctor to gain weight. And I know it seems freaky, but after all that's happened to me so far, I'm desperate to get my period back.

Anyway, it's culminating season again. And yours truly has been voted as the musical director.

It seems like an honor and all, but it's actually sort of a curse.

GAAAAAAAH - that's all I can say.

I mean, I love it when my ideas are the ones that push through.
And my classmates have been amazing (most of them, anyway).
But I'm really, really stressed out.

While most of my classmates have been loyal and dedicated (especially the musicians), some of them are really just PAINS IN MY ASS.

Do they even have any idea how painful it is for me to stay up late finishing the effing arrangement and finalize it? And how to be assertive without sounding preachy? (is that even possible?) And how it feels to have people talking behind your back about how I get mad easily whenever they don't show up? Or hear their stupid little complaints? Or countless excuses for not attending practices?

Oh, and DIE, SIR IMBANG, DIE. Yeah, keep making excuses for me not to take the 2nd quarter Science PT I missed while I was in Malaysia. I'm the one who's actually volunteering to take the goddamn test already. Darn it.

And prepare for hell: my dad's leaving next week for Japan. What does that mean for me? Staying with my mom for two weeks. Goshhhhhh. Help me, Lord. I don't even think I'll make it through.

SOS!!!!!!!

Yuki