LISTEN . . please? {♥} chainedwonderland v3.0

Welcome to my wonderland. This is my blog - a place to rant, rave, and roll about anything and everything. Please, no spamming. No cursing. No flaming. I'm entitled to my own opinion, and if you don't like it, press the red [x] to exit.

..while I may be a happy-go-lucky person at times, I am a big dreamer. I love Japanese things, especially the Gothic and Punk stuff..and Ayumi Hamasaki. I also love Anna Sui-ish graphic art. I enjoy singing, composing, drawing, doodling, surfing the net, watching TV, reading, designing clothes, and sleeping. I try my best not to judge people, but I do have the tendency to be snobbish or stupid at times, but I'm not perfect - nor is anyone else. I believe that all people are born with talent, and that everyone is unique. And if you have a problem with that, then get out.
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mimegirl drawing and coding by me, made with Adobe Photoshop CS2. Pixel graphics from Sugar Pink. Music from RadioBlog. Toys and emoticons from Kao-ani.

Thursday, December 18, 2008 anger management

Why am I such a PERFECTIONIST?
It's the same reason I quit my piano lessons.

. . You see, I get angry really, really easily.
Sometimes, it's because I'm irritated. Other times, it's because things don't work out the way I had hoped they would. But there are times when I'm angry at the world . . because I'm angry at myself.

I understand perfectly that noone's perfect(no pun intended). But I don't think there's anything wrong with trying. We're human and we have limits, but if we exert some effort, we can overcome them. And overcoming these stupid limits to reach your goal makes you amazing, right? Special. Talented. One of a kind.

I'm just not content with being average.

I have big dreams. I don't wanna just become a nurse, or a teacher, or whatever "average" person would become when I grow up. I wanna be a singer. A composer. Artist. Designer. Illustrator. Programmer. I wanna be good at everything. I want people to look up at me and think, "I wanna be just like that girl."

Unfortunately, I wasn't born perfect. My body's naturally pear-shaped. My grades are horrible. I can't play sports. I can't dance. I suck at games. The list goes on and on and on.

Everyone has "limits". But is it possible to overcome them? I mean, if you put your mind to it, you can "do anything", right?

For example: Piano. The last time I had lessons, the teacher would give me the piece, for me to study by myself. Whenever it was lesson time with the teacher, we would only do scales. But the pieces were to be studied by ME and ME ALONE.

So I would spend hours training myself, competing against myself. Of course, I would get mad at myself for being stupid, forgetful . . and not being able to read notes fast. So I pushed myself. Threw some chairs, ripped some books . . At the end of the day, I've learned the piece and can play it from start to finish without flinching. Which is a good thing, right?

. . but does it make getting angry worth it? No, I don't think so. Unless you're an easily-angered perfectionist like me, you wouldn't understand what the anger feels like. It's bottled up inside you, ready to explode any second. It's taking over you. It's all you can think about. At the same time, you have to do what you're supposed to be doing - WELL. So can you imagine trying to cram yourself into perfecting a whole piece while holding your temper inside?

If you can, congrats. If not, let me tell you, it's NOT easy. Sometimes, I throw tantrums. Yes, TANTRUMS. You know, like toddlers? Other times, I jump around, trying to throw the anger off. But anger doesn't come off that easily, especially for me. The only remedy is to be better at what you're doing, be proud of yourself. In short, my anger wouldn't come off until I've perfected the damn piece. Now that I think of it, I can't even imagine how I was able to do it. I don't think I'm still capable of doing it again.

It's unhealthy, and it's self-destructive. Since I'm at home, I could just go over to the kitchen, get the knife and slice myself. No, I was so sick of myself for being that way. I gave up, and quit piano lessons.

Did I do the right thing? I don't really know. Anger controls you, it's not the other way around. It got in the way of my dream of being a pianist; it could get in the way of anything. Like this morning, I was aiming to get this avatar for a game in Neopets. I just wasn't content with my already-pretty-high score, so I kept trying and trying for three hours. My supposed high score of 500-something became 300-something because I wasn't content with 500-something, but I was already tired when I died and got a score of 300-something, so I sent the score.

I don't know what the conclusion should be. I don't know if I did the right thing. But the important thing is, I'm feeling much better now.

Yuki